I’m currently sitting in the waiting room of the office of doctors who told me my baby had no heart beat and I cannot put into words what this feels like. I don’t think I’ve ever truly felt the effects of PTSD like this before.
I’m sweating, my chest is burning and the burning feels like it’s gonna burst through my damn throat. My arms feel like spaghetti and I just wanna run so I guess I so badly wanna choose flight but I know I need to be here to make sure I’m okay. I wanna burst into tears but don’t wanna run the risk of being hospitalized for being the crazy woman in the waiting room. I need a safe place and no one around me knows it.
I’m sitting here watching these waddling women with swollen bellies and full smiling faces and wishing I could feel that bliss right now. They have no idea there could be women like me in the waiting room right now and I don’t think I ever paused to think of that when I was pregnant either.
I so miss the dreams of what could have been and the blissful thoughts that everything could go so well. I’m so resentful that this had to happen and struggling to understand why still because it has had such a profound effect on my life and who I am. I must remember this adds to who I am as a person. Everyone has a story….I’m just sad this one will remain untold…
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