Sorry I have been gone so long! Vacation had my mind elsewhere.
Now I’m back home and the world continues to remind me that it hasn’t stopped just because mine did.
I’m reminded everyday that even though my baby is gone and that life is nowhere in sight anymore that everyone else’s life has continued, including the beautiful mommies expecting their babies. Everyday I go on Facebook and am bombarded with videos of glowing mommies announcing their baby’s gender or decorating nurseries. I wish I could sit and explain what it does to your mind when you are looking for new places so you have an extra bedroom to finally set up a nursery. We never had the space to set up a baby nursery. I never felt like I needed one but this pregnancy I was older and wanted to create a beautiful and welcoming space. I’m glad we never moved and there isn’t an empty space in my home that was awaiting my son. I’d never be able to walk in there or create another space in that room. As mentioned before about Trauma, an empty room where a baby should be is one of the worst reminders. There will never be a nursery for my baby boy…
People around me whether complete strangers or those I know are still having babies. Their bellies continue to grow with life and I can see the ever growing glow on them that once showed itself in my own eyes. My belly continues to grow but from the food I feed my emotions with. Before this part of my life I lost 75 lbs and was down to a size 6/8. This morning I threw on my size 18’s once again and just sighed at the fact that the waist band felt comfortable instead of feeling like it was slicing away at my organs. I have to get back on track and I will but it is another part of me that says I was so unprepared for this. I never expected to want another baby so bad and change so much of who I had become. Have I sunk back in to depression and anxiety because I am unhappy with how I look and feel? The period between May 21st and June 24th was such a time of Euphoria and the instant unexpected change can only be compared to what it must feel like to slam your car into a brick wall at full speed.
I know I’ll be okay again soon, I don’t think I have any other choice, but in the meantime it can be so depressing to see just how much changed in a two month period. I had altered my mind so much in this time frame to fit fantasies of being a boy mom and having three children that I need time to adjust to change my thoughts and realize I am not settling by not having any more children, I am surviving. Raising my two beautiful daughters with my soul mate and learning to be grateful for every breath because so many times the things that happened as a result of me trying to have a family could’ve taken my last breath…
Leave a Reply