I remember all of the things they told me the moment I received my positive pregnancy test. I was annoyed at how much of this conversation centered around miscarriage and all the signs to look for. I kept telling myself I wanted to be happy and not listen to all the negative thoughts around me. This information felt like it was digested and just fell into my body like a pile of sludge. I kept telling my friends I don’t want to live in worry I just want to be happy and live in Euphoria of all that comes with it.
Now I just remember everything they told me I would experience with a miscarriage. It is crazy hard to explain how you digest information being thrown at you after realizing your baby is gone. They told me that because I lost him at 8 weeks and was now supposed to be 10 weeks I should’ve started to miscarry on my own by then. Since I didn’t have any cramping or bleeding they suggested the surgery. I was given the option of waiting but automatically declined. I don’t know a lot of people that would be like YES please let me do it on my own (respectfully unless you are terrified of being put under). From the surgery itself, I was to expect some cramping and bleeding and call the emergency line if there was an excess of either.
I didn’t start either of those until the weekend even though my surgery was Tuesday. Unfortunately even a week later I am still experiencing these symptoms.
But let me tell you what they don’t prepare you for. This time I DID get the conversation verifying that I did not cause this and that sometimes this just happens. You come to realize on your own that that this thought process comes and goes. Somedays you understand this logic and other days you can’t imagine what else could’ve caused such issues. I wasn’t prepared for the emotional baggage coming with this experience even though this is the fourth time dealing with it. I physically recoil each time I hear someone announce their pregnancy. I never wish bad on anyone but its hard for me to understand why one person suffers through a miscarriage while others do not but I don’t even think doctors have those answers for each situation. It’s hard for me to imagine whats to come. Seeing these ladies with their growing bellies and eventually tiny baby in their arms.
They don’t prepare you for the gut punch of having to keep it together when those you love are having babies and you are stuck between loving this new bundle and having such a hard time breathing wondering what your son would’ve looked like. Its battling all of these thoughts while being told how blessed you are and that everything will be okay…
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