Pity party once again engaged. This sucks…I don’t care to find the silver lining or think about how I have my health and family. I know it sounds awful but the emotions bottled up inside need to be let out so here are my raw thoughts:
I LOVE my life and my family…..I LOVE my life and my family. But all that I am having to overcome in this situation is just not making sense. I didn’t need my life to change. I had my two children that I fought with my life for and a husband I love and who fought right alongside of me.
For a moment we’ll put thoughts of the emotional decay over these last two weeks on a shelf behind me and talk about whats happening physically to my body. It was growing life and honestly in it’s happiest state ever. I dared to blink and all the sudden the life inside was blown out like a lone candle just sitting there in the dark waiting for someone to notice. Since the D and C I have been dealing with occassional cramping and bleeding. Okay….expected, unwanted but expected. The cramping and bleeding were quite literally a reminder to sit down and take in the world around me each time I dared forget for just a moment. Emotionally I began to feel like this never even happened. It was a blip somewhere in a dream once, must’ve been. How can you be so present one day and gone the very next? It really is quite humbling when you think about it. But why go there?
Now with this infection I now have from the IV from surgery…it is kicking my butt. My body is exerting so much energy fighting off this infection that I am beyond exhausted. By the end of the day I feel like I have the flu. Im tired, short of breath and sore. Thankfully no fever and the soreness is dissipating slowly. However, when you add these symptoms to the already occurring cramps and bleeding and I’m struggling physically and emotionally. Where did this all come from and why?!
PLEASE make it make sense…
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