What does trauma look like to you? I think it looks different to all of us. However, as I get older I learn that trauma is funny but also not funny. When steering through these little hiccups in the road you find trauma is just interesting.
I’m coming to terms with the fact that there will always be little reminders of this time in my life. Reminders also equal said trauma.
It is in the new clothes I bought myself to fit my belly for my vacation. Trauma brings me back to trying on these clothes and seeing the way my husband looked at me while I was wearing them. This pregnancy gave my skin and face such a glow, besides me being so happy, my face was just glowing!! So I donated the new clothes….
It is in the lollipops and crushed crackers I threw in my purse in case I was nauseous throughout the day. Pregnancy provided me with a new feeling of feeling like I was going to vomit then pass out if I didn’t wake up and eat right away. So I threw away the lollipops and crushed crackers…
It is even in my Spotify playlist. I am a very feeling person and like to listen to songs that evoke thought. During this pregnancy I ONLY wanted to listen to happy music because HEY I was happy so smart shuffle played fun party music. Suddenly smart shuffle is a fuzzy blanket and rainy day type of feel. So I switched my play list…
It is in the body I thought I once knew stretch marks and all. Three months ago I had a small divot of wrinkles mid belly that I wore with pride because it showed the progress from being morbidly obese to just about normal weight. In the five weeks I knew of his existence my belly grew slightly. I could feel the swelling of my uterus inside and knew there was beauty within. Because I’m a former fatty my belly is still misshapen but I could attain roundness with the proper mom underwear and maternity pants. Now I get out of the shower and still see a swollen mom belly and just think of how cute it was growing to be. I miss my smallER belly but miss dreaming of the growing baby inside too. Unfortunately I’m still searching for how to get through this paragraph of trauma…
If you’re not careful trauma throws you into a deep black hole and hires a dementor looking bouncer to point and laugh at you when you think you’ve found a ledge to boost yourself up and out.
Trauma causes me to bring out my inner rain man and repeat over and over…I will be okay again….someday…
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