This blog has helped me move past things much better than I have in the past. There is no misconception that I have completely moved past this horrible experience but I feel a little more settled than I may have in the past. The emotions are still painfully raw but at this point it is more because I still cannot believe at 37 I am being tested in this area of my life and all that has happened when I least expected it to. We all try to make it a habit of expecting the unexpected and the worst so that we are not hurt too much-call it putting up a wall if you will. I never saw myself putting up a wall as I usually kept all that heart and emotion right at the surface so it wouldn’t bottle up and explode like mentos in a soda bottle.
But you know what I struggle with every time I go through this? Something I can just never seem to shake. When you look at old pictures and see yourself in a different time. Obviously you see yourself through the eyes of others in a picture but when you look at a picture you think back to the emotions inside of it and the things you didn’t know when it was taken. After we lost our first pregnancy, I would look at pictures of Pat and I with the dog we adopted thinking we were starting our family. Of course, the dog found a home with Pat’s parents because thats who she bonded with while Pat lived at home still. Still looking back it was a picture of us three and I remember thinking eventually there would be a baby in our arms or years later a picture of a child wrapped around that dog’s neck. There just wasn’t any other way it could go. That picture was pure bliss until that first experience. I could be the only one but I looked back at that picture and missed who we were before all that happened. We were two people who genuinely believed everything would be okay and we would never go through such an experience. I posted that picture over and over again with the thought process repeating over and over again. That first pregnancy took so much from us. It really shook our faith in our foundation not in our relationship but in the things we believed in. I felt jaded and like my general belief in the good of this world was askewed. I looked at that picture missing the old me-the big smile and the youth of it all. Eventually, we continued our journey and I got tired of seeing those around me fear that I was not gonna make it. So I picked myself up and Pat and I moved forward.
I once again am struggling. I love looking through my facebook memories every single day. Who was I a year ago? How small were my girls a year ago? Today I found pictures of myself posted boasting about my weight loss and all the happiness it brought me. I was so proud of myself. Seeing pictures of me and my girls with the thought process that our family was complete and I wouldn’t be having any more babies stirred something in me. Again I am angry because having another baby was not in my plans so again why giveth to taketh away? Different things were important a year ago and I miss who I was then yet again and hold worry of who I will be next year at this time…
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