Yesterday morning I woke up early and showered to get ready for the day but not for work or anything normal. I showered to get ready for surgery. The last leg of this pregnancy I so badly wanted. Not that it is of importance but not being able to wear deodorant after a shower is a truly unnerving feeling. But given the circumstance I figured I had other things to feel sick about. We dropped the girls off at school and I squeezed and kissed them as if I was going off to war. Let’s be honest, the last few years have taught my family and I not to take things for granted or think that anything is impossible. We prepare for the best and worst all in one breath. Pause-I have a lot to be grateful for, I am in no way saying all of my life is bad but we have had more than our fair share of awful, undeserving events.
I waited a week for this surgery after hearing my darling baby boy had passed two weeks prior to what I was seeing in my ultrasound. It is torture enough to know he no longer had a heartbeat and I of course was in no rush to say goodbye but carrying around this reminder was so painful. I struggled between two realities, the fact that I love my son and always will even though I never will meet him and the fact that I needed this to be over. On the way to the hospital I realized I never did the required blood work in order to have surgery and dreaded calling them because with our luck they would’ve told me in order to be safe, I would have to wait another week. However, when I called the doctor he was understanding and knew I wanted this to be done. I knew his worry of infection was ever present but he said that it was important to move forward.
As I went through the motions of registration, I thought to myself that I cannot believe we are here again. Why does this feel so normal to me? Possibly because I had a week to process or because painstakingly I realized this was my fourth time here. They called my name for pre-op and I walked into the little closet they provided me with to question me and instruct me on how to prepare. The nurse asked me questions about what happened to my pregnancy and then left me with the fashionable gown, cozy socks and lunch lady bonnet. I locked my clothes away and even thought to myself…The next time I wear these clothes I’ll be different.
I moved into the final step of pre-op where they laid me down and started an IV. The nurse’s face changed as she said “I read your file, you’re not new to this are you?” And where most people might’ve been offended, I knew it came from a place where someone who hasn’t been through this couldn’t imagine the repetitive process we’ve been through. She sat with me and prepped me but also became one of the first feeling people in this process. I didn’t feel like just another patient-I felt heard. Unfortunately, the new doctor I was visiting on 6/24 officially met me in pre-op on the day I was having my D and C. He came in soft spoken and prepped us for everything.
The anesthesiologist came and put something in my IV to relax me and I would be lying if I said I wasn’t elated at that moment to have my brain and stomach stop swirling and for my chest to stop burning like it had ever since June 24th. I feel crazy saying the best part of this last week was when I laid on the operating table and they prepared to put me under because I just didn’t need to think of anything. I didn’t need to remember the pain, how I’m going to recover, if I’ll be enough for my children and husband after this and just SO many more things.
I woke up feeling a little sore but relieved to know it was over and I felt like the same person as before. Through recovery and leaving the surgery center I realized the week in between this was torture but it gave me time to process, time to think of what was next and who I would be afterwards. I didn’t know how badly I wanted this baby, none of us did.
A very wise friend of mine reminded me of some very powerful thoughts to anyone going through this. Miscarriage and loss is awful and we always think of what we are missing and the baby we will never meet. Know this, you are all your baby knew while they were here. All they felt was the safety of your body and the calming sound of your heartbeat. You are the one feeling the pain and loss but that little bean knew nothing but love and comfort and thats all they will ever know. They won’t know the pain of this world and the craziness in it.
But my story isn’t over. I am still the mom, wife and daughter I was before. I just carry another bag of luggage, another chapter in my book has been written and its titled “The Familiar Place” even when I wish it wasn’t….
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