I have two beautiful daughters who are everything, the very stuff that life is made of. To say the journey to this life was chock full of the highest highs and the lowest lows would not even begin to help describe it accurately. Nonetheless, they are here and I couldn’t be more grateful for how they have forced me to grow. I wasn’t warned how hard I would have to fight and the things I’d loss in myself in order to bring them into this world but I wouldn’t change it for the world…..well maybe some minor plot lines.

We come from a generation who were taught you meet your soul mate, hunker down and build a family with all the parts given to you by God. Instructors briefly touched upon what could go wrong to those who did drugs, drank or mistreated their bodies while growing life inside of them. Nowhere did they tell any of us that sometimes things just go wrong and hey sometimes we might not have the answers but if at first you don’t succeed try, try again.

I was married to my husband for two years before one day realizing our family was about to grow. With all the love and bliss possible we awaited each appointment with such anticipation I could scream, I wanted to fast forward to the good part-telling the whole world what was coming. A day after we told everyone about our baby we found he had many physical anomalies that ultimately caused him to pass. We did genetic testing and although there were no true answers they were able to tell me it was a boy. It was brutal, depressing and completely gut-wrenching. However, I powered on with the belief that I was young (27 at the time) and had plenty of time. Fast forward through weeks and months. I lost my first son in January of 2016 and then lost two more babies between then and November of 2016.

With no real answers besides the low levels each time I was pregnant, I was ready to give up. I was referred to RMA where they tested everything they could think of in our bodies with no true answers and none to this day really. Thank god for insurance because we went through three rounds of insemination and three round of IVF before finally getting Adrianna. When we were ready three years later we went right back to RMA to retrieve our frozen pop babies (embryos) for baby number two. Ryleigh was IVF number 2.

I will never say I wish my girls were boys but everyone wishes for one of each no? By the time I had Ryleigh Rose I was 33 and terrified of a geriatric pregnancy. Sprinkle in high blood pressure and what they call morbid obesity and it is definitely a big NO-NO. So even though we joked about having one more if I could guarentee it would be a boy, we decided our lives were perfect and we could move on…

37, flirty and thriv……wait what the hell is that?!

Fast forward once again from 33 to 37. After being on the Nuvaring for almost five years I had had enough. The ring regulated my nuisance of a period and pretty much took out all the guess work for me on when it would make it’s grand and loving appearance. It is 2026 and I feel as though it is time to let my body relax. I have done the infertility thing, the pregnancy and delivery thing and have recently gained control of my body back by going on Wegovey and losing 75 lbs. I cannot express how amazing it felt to fit in normal clothes and not feel the weight of the world on my chest (not from anxiety but from the two heavy boulders holding most of my weight). Feeling fine in so many ways I told my husband in March or April I wanted to stop the ring and let my body rest. I mean come on, my body laughs at me everytime I think I can get pregnant on my own so it is impossible right? “Will you please get snipped so I can breathe and not worry about being 40 and pregnant?” Yes I aged myself greatly thinking of having another baby. He told me to wait until after Summer and I figured it wouldn’t matter because my body would need time to catch up before even imagining I could once again grow life. I was due to take my ring out mid April and for those who know of the ring, due to put it back a week later. As I kept putting off doctor appts I had no new prescription for a new ring. Period came April 16th and was normal. About 5 weeks later when I should’ve been putting another ring in I realized-hey cool no period this month! Maybe I’m old! Wait…..Let’s take a test-you’ve done this a million times. *Proceeds to take said test, place it on my leg and sing to my morning wake up music. Ummmmmmmm what the hell is that? Is there supposed to be two blue lines?

This Charming Life…

Shocked doesn’t cover the feelings burning through my body. I say burning because I couldn’t shake the shock, the anxiety and forgive me for saying the “scared shitlessness” feelings. How do I tell my husband whois over 40 and content with the fact we have two children? Sure it would be nice to have a boy but its not in the cards right? I Facetime my friend Dana and just hold up a pee stick with good or bad news I couldn’t tell at the time. I called her because of all the jokes in my life this had to be the least expected! The shock turned into utter numbness as I called my husband and listened to him slowly lose his mind for ten to fifteen minutes. Neither of us knew what to do. We balance each other out perfectly where he is the realist who thinks of all the ways things affect us good and bad and I am the one who finds the silver lining even if I have to create one. I told him I wanted to focus on the fact that my body figured it out-I’m a woman who can get pregnant and grow life on her own! As we fast forward through appointments, I gain more and more confidence that this bean is a miracle and has been set forth to align my thinking and level me out that life can be happiness and ground you when you least expect it. Losing babies took away finding out naturally I was pregnant, surprising my parents and family/friends with the news. Everything was so planned out and precise with my girls it was never a surprise. This baby? Nowhere near expected so I got to surprise everyone in my life including myself and even though we braced ourselves for impact of negative thoughts and unsolicited advice we were met with love and well wishes as if this baby was filling a hole no one knew existed. Pat and I awaited hearing more and more good news but truly wanted nothing more than to hear we would have a son. I bought a DNA test for Father’s Day planning to reveal it privately to ourselves in case it was another girl. I popped that bad boy in my arm, sent out the blood and waited a week to see those beautiful words in BLUE!!! Jameson Daniel who had easily been in the making for ten years was on his way. I was riding on cloud nine and NO ONE could pull me down until….

When Hope Turns to Grief…

On May 21st, I found I was pregnant with my third child. On June 24th, I got up, showered and dressed my growing belly. I couldn’t believe at almost 10 weeks my belly needed extra dressing but hey, baby boy can grow however he wants! I rode into work with a smile on my face ready to head to a brand new doctor and possibly see my son dancing across the screen. We went through the usual survey of history questions and she mapped out what these next 7 or 8 months would look like. Now came the part where I lay back, put my feet in the stirrups and turn my head to see what’s cooking. With two clicks of the machine I saw it before she could say anything. “Okay, I’m getting a different measurement. He is measuring 8 weeks and 3 days.” It is just like the movies-colors bleed together, you feel like you’ve just lost a boxing round and you turn mute. The doctor’s voice got lower and lower as she said there was no heartbeat. I heard her but I was focused on the fact that the last time I saw him he was a tiny circle, now he had nubs that resembled so much more. This isn’t possible. And all at once, I thought of how my husband wanted me to wait to announce in case something happened and also how badly I wanted to feel normal.

The order of my thoughts were: “Did I do this? I knew this was a possibility. Did I rush this?” “Well sweetheart you had your normalcy, the test the announcements and now seeing the baby without a heart beat when there was no warning. Good for you”

Our minds can be so damn cruel in these moments. My therapist has reminded me and made me focus on the fact that I wanted more than anything to feel like a woman, a woman who can grow life without help.

Needless to say I lost many things that day. I lost my son who even in the five weeks of his existence brought me more joy than I could’ve ever imagined. As previously mentioned, he filled in holes I didn’t know were there. I lost the sense that the world is safe again in the strangest way. So many things have come along to shake my faith and question everything-I thought maybe this is what I’m meant for, three babies- two girls and a boy and my family is complete. I’ve lost my own reasoning and silver linings-please explain…I was done with babies, done with wondering why I couldn’t get pregnant. I didn’t push my body to do this nor did I push this pregnancy on others. Why giveth just to taketh away? I don’t accept everything happens for a reason. I have accepted the fact that maybe this happened to realign my thoughts and growth.

Tomorrow I am scheduled for a D and C to help my body say goodbye and it is one of the cruelest parts of all of this. My body randomly spots and has contractions but is holding on. My heart won’t let go so I guess neither will the rest of me. Tomorrow it will be forced to let go of my son. And until this past week I thought I had seen enough pain and angst. I guess tomorrow is another day.

We will get through, I must get through. I have before and will do it again. Silver lining? I have two babies who need me. However, knowing this is it and I will never have this again is a pain I cannot adequately type into words. Maybe someday….until then…..